FUNNY AND FAMOUS ONE-LINERS
ANTITHESIS:
There's just / only one thing worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about. Oscar Wilde * There's just one thing worse than making a mistake, and that's refusing to admit that you made it in the first place (to begin with, for a start)
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen your (own) life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
COMPARISONS:
(It's) (a lot / much / far / way) better to remain silent and be thought a fool / moron, than to speak and remove all doubt.
CONJUNCTIONS:
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
As the saying goes: Knowledge is knowing (that) a tomato is a fruit, (and / while) wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
I always get / arrive late to / at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
I've only been wrong once, and that's (precisely / exactly) when I thought I was wrong.
Eating ice cream and not exercising is great. The downside is your health isn't so good.
Age doesn't matter unless you're a cheese.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
DEFINITIONS
A diplomat is a person / someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a (nice / tactful / diplomatic) way that you will look forward to the trip / going there.
METAPHORES:
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory (suffering, pain, distress)
PARADOX
The surest way to be alone is to get married. Gloria Steinem
PUNNING:
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
SIMILES:
Worry(ing) is like sitting on a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but (it) gets you nowhere / doesn't get you anywhere.
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
GROUCHO MARX
The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished. G. Marx
Version: Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
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Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
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ADVERBIAL CONJUNCTIONS: I was married by a judge. Instead, I should have asked for a jury.
RHETORICAL FIGURES: * Despite the cost of living, have you notice how it remains so popular? * You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby * You know what charm is a way of getting the answer 'Yes' without (even) having to / having asked / asking a clear question. A. Camus * How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it * After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, (and then) we die * Prejudice is a great / major / huge time-saver. You can form opinions without having to get / getting the facts * Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it hundreds or rather, thousands of
STRUCTURES: Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. Benny Hill * In order for a man to be truly evil, he must be a woman * You know what they say; It’s not the fall that kills you; but / it’s the sudden stop at the end * God created man and, seeing he was not sufficiently alone, gave him a companion so that he would feel his solitude more (with modals: can, would, will); @ So that (but not in order that) can also mean ‘with the result that’: The birds return every year around March, so that April is a good time to see them * Sleeping comes so naturally to me (that) I could do it with my eyes closed
PHRASEOLOGY:
IT: It is bad luck / unlucky to be superstitious * Living alone makes it harder to find someone to blame * I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good * I'm glad I know sign language. It's pretty Handy
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WOODY ALLEN
CONFIDENCE: Confidence is what you have before you understand / understanding the problem / what's going on * I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member. (suffering from / experiencing lack of (self) confidence about sth: ex: my future)
DEATH: There are much / way / far / worse things in life than death… have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? / ... and if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly / precisely what I mean * Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses * It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. * The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. (mock, ridicule, burlarse)
GOD: You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever * Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday; If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans * Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic * God is silent. Now if only / I wish man would shut up; I wish (that) it would stop raining; I wish man would stop cruelty; I wish that tomorrow was a holiday (not "would be").
I wish she would stop yelling at me; I wish I didn't have to to live up to anything. (be as good as, estar a la altura).
HAPPINESS: The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.
HYPOPHORAS: Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. (not either one) * What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? … in that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet (pay for housing / for accomodation)
The verb "to pay" is intransitive in English when you refer to something being purchased. You pay for something. The verb is transitive when you don't mention the thing being purchased. You pay the bill.
IMMORTALITY: I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying * I do not believe in the / an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. (1): pay the rent
LIFE: Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering, and it's all over much too soon * Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable * I’m at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me, I’m profoundly grateful to her * In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way; (1) to begin your life, or the part of your life when you work, in a particular way: I started out as a teacher and only began writing in his thirties *
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
LOVE: The most beautiful words are not “I love you”, but “It’s benign * Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.
MARRIAGE: Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice / realize / find out too late if / whether they are good or bad * My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort
MONEY: If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments / think again * If you ever feel like no one cares about you, try missing your mortgage payment! * If you ever feel like nobody thinks you exist, try stopping paying your taxes * Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with * Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons * I’m very proud of my pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”
SEX: Sex without love is an empty / meaningless experience, but as empty / meaningless experiences go it’s one of the best / pretty damn good * Sex without love is a experience, but as far as experiences go its * Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing; Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right * Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night / of getting a date on Saturday night
FUN: Most of the time I don’t have much fun; the rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all. DOCTORS: Linda: Would you like us to call a doctor? Allan: No, no, I could use a three foot band-aid.
REALITY: I hate reality… but nevertheless (1), it's still the only / best place to get a good steak; My professional reputation is at stake! (at risk, en juego). (1) However, even so.
REGRETS: My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
SUCCESS: Eighty percent of success is showing up. (Showing up also means ... starting). paraphrase showing off (I don't like her – she's such a show-off; creida)
UGLINESS: The baby is fine; the only problem is (that) he looks like Edward G. Robinson * I failed to make the chess team because of my height; make it: 1. slang (succeed): In Hollywood, an Oscar nomination is a sign that you've made it (big). 2 inf. (arrive on time).
* Dealing with discrimination because of being too short, fat, a minority, or not smart enough. WHAT-IFS: What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
The whats, the whys and the hows; The Wheres and the whens; The why nots, the what ifs, the could have beens; no buts (about it): no excuses; no ifs, ands, or buts (about it) no ifs and buts: You'll never get anywhere if you go about what-iffing like that; Don't stress the could haves. If it should have, it would have; Don't stress the "could-have-beens"
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Life is all about (having) perspective, and sometimes, it just takes experiencing that one life-changing / altering moment (whether it's big or small) to make us realize, once again, what's truly important and what's not. The titanic sinking was a miracle to the lobster in the (ship's) kitchen. (see life-saving / changing ...) * In Brooklyn, if you say, 'I'm dangerous', you'd better be (dangerous) * * * You can't blame gravity for falling in love * Laugh at your problems, everybody else does *
HYPOPHORAS: Did you guys hear the joke about the wall? It is hilarious, I am still trying to get over it * Did you (guys) hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out * Can you imagine a world without men? There'd no crime and lots of fat happy women * Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming * Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. (not either one) * So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world! * What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
RIDDLES:
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If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments / think again.
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
* You can't blame gravity for falling in love.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak *
Rooting for the offense is the safe way to go. You win either way (support)
Sleeping comes so naturally to me (that) I could do it with my eyes closed.
* The living are dead on holidays.
* The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
* Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's joy / peace.
*
* You can't blame gravity for falling in love.
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'Why should you vote for me? I'll give you five good reasons. . ..' This can be a good way to guide your readers from point to point to make sure they're able to follow."
What kind of peace do I mean and what kind of a peace do we seek? Not the peace of the grave or the security of the slave. I am talking about genuine peace, the kind of peace that makes life on earth worth living, and the kind that enables men and nations to grow, and to hope, and build a better life for their children. (John F. Kennedy, 1963)
(There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights), 'When will you be satisfied?' We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. (Martin Luther King, "I Have a Dream," 1963)
Hypophora in songs.
(Oh), what did you see, my blue-eyed son? Oh, what did you see, my darling young one? I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it, I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken, ("A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall." The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan, 1963)
After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die.
How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it.
(Do) you have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
(Do you) Know what's weird? Day by day nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.
How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it.
You wanna get rid of drug crime in this country? Fine, let's just get rid of all the drug laws.
What does it take to get you to the point where you have to kill your brother? It's biblical, it's huge. It's so personal.
What is it that makes us trust our judges? Their independence in office. (en el cargo). At the/my office (at work) vs in the/my office (room) vs in office (official)
What is it that really makes us, us? It's our collective intelligence. It's our ability to write things down, our language and our consciousness.
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway * dead (complete; absolute, total, entire, out-and-out, outright, utter, downright): "There was dead silence in the room"
When you boil it all down, what does a man really need? Just a smoke and a cup of coffee.
Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it's the answer to everything. To Why am I here? To uselessness. It's the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it's a cactus.
Why is it better to love than to be loved? It is surer.
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3. I don't really like going out for dinner. It's way better to not have to wait for food... It's quite boring. @ My goal is not to become famous vs My goal is to not become famous (In the first, becoming famous is not a goal. In the second not becoming famous is the goal)
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen * * * On the other hand, you have different fingers * So, what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world! * * War does not determine who is right – only who is left * We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public * We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the pólice * Work is for people who don't know how to fish * Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never (get to) happen *
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not quite sure. * I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not (so) sure. * I used to be a banker, but I lost interest. * I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. * I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time * I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me. * Sleeping comes so naturally to me (that) I could do it with my eyes closed. * I was married by a judge; I should have asked for a jury. * Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. * I've been on a calendar, but never on time. * I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so/quite sure. * Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times * Stop, I can't bear these animal jokes. (a bear talking) * So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world! * To write with a broken pencil is pointless. * * My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it. * If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.* Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine. * If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor. * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. * Living alone makes it harder to find someone to blame. * Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too. * You can't blame gravity for falling in love. * Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. * I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction. * I'm glad I know sign language. It's pretty handy. (helpful, useful. 2 convenient, nearby) * I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). * Sure, winning isn't every thing; it's the only thing. * It's lonely at the top but you do eat better * It's lonely at the top but the view is quite nice
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* Did you guys hear the joke about the wall? It is hilarious, I am still trying to get over it * A diplomat / politician is a person / gentleman / fellow who can tell you to go to hell so that you look forward to the trip / and make you look forward to the trip* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened * Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand * Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's joy / peace.
* If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong… * * * * It's smarter to look at portions than to count calories * * * Me fail english? That's unpossible * Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose * * * Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason * * Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go * The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list * * * We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the pólice * You can't have everything. Where would you put it? * *********************************************************************************
I have many daft ideas: thankfully most of them never get to happen as my more conservative husband is a very useful filter! * Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number? *
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect" * Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up * Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience *
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* I used to be a banker, but I lost interest. * I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. * I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time * I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me. * Sleeping comes so naturally to me (that) I could do it with my eyes closed. * I was married by a judge; I should have asked for a jury. * Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. * I've been on a calendar, but never on time. * I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so/quite sure. * * Stop, I can't bear these animal jokes. (a bear talking) * To write with a broken pencil is pointless. * * My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it. * If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.* Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine. * If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor. * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. * Living alone makes it harder to find someone to blame. * Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too. * You can't blame gravity for falling in love. * Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. * I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction. * I'm glad I know sign language. It's pretty handy. (helpful, useful. 2 convenient, nearby) * I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). * Sure, winning isn't every thing; it's the only thing. * It's lonely at the top but you do eat better * It's lonely at the top but the view is quite nice
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FUNNY ONE-LINERS If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I had short hair for a while, but I ended up loving it.
I had short hair for a while, but I ended up loving it.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never (get to) happen.
I have many daft ideas: thankfully most of them never get to happen as my more conservative husband is a very useful filter!
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
All you need to remember is watching over her (means you did it in the past); All you need to remember is to watch over her (means you'll do it in future)
What we hope to accomplish is to point out / pointing out the abuse.
All I do is drink.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
What we hope to accomplish is to point out / pointing out the abuse.
All I do is drink.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Me fail english? That's unpossible.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Did you guys hear the joke about the wall? It is hilarious, I am still trying to get over it.
Exercising would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burned them.
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MAN & WOMEN
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
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Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
A man is like a tea bag. You can't tell how strong he is until you put him in hot water.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
I'm from Brooklyn. In Brooklyn, if you say, 'I'm dangerous', you'd better be dangerous.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
I used to be / to be think I was indecisive, but now I'm not quite / so / too sure * I used to be a banker, but I lost interest * I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now * * Sleeping comes so naturally to me (that) I could do it with my eyes closed. * I was married by a judge; Ishould have asked for a jury. * Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. * I've been on a calendar, but never on time. * I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so/quite sure. * Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times * Stop, I can't bear these animal jokes. (a bear talking) * So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world! * To write with a broken pencil is pointless. * * * . * . * * Living alone makes it harder to find someone to blame. * Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too. * You can't blame gravity for falling in love. * Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. * I'm glad I know sign language. It's pretty handy. (helpful, useful. 2 convenient, nearby) * * It's lonely at the top but you do eat better * It's lonely at the top but the view is quite nice
******************* PUNNING *********************
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too * I intend to live forever. So far, so good * I broke my finger today, but on the other hand I was completely fine * I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time * I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me * My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it * I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes * I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction * If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor * If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know * I'm glad I know sign language. It's pretty Handy * I was struggling to figure out how lightning works (and) then it struck me * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me * Sleeping comes so naturally to me (that) I could do it with my eyes closed * You can't blame gravity for falling in love * Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing * Please, I would greatly / really appreciate if you would stop talking. I can't bear these animal jokes. (a bear talking) * Sure, winning isn't every thing; it's the only thingHYPOPHORAS: Did you guys hear the joke about the wall? It is hilarious, I am still trying to get over it * Did you (guys) hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out * Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming * So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world! * What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet
DEFINITIONS: What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
********************* HYPOPHORAS ********************
FUNNY: Can you imagine a world without men? There'd no crime and lots of fat happy women * Why is it better to love than to be loved? It is surer.
****************** DEFINITIONS *********************
*Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and
applying the wrong remedies.
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