ONE-LINERS
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a (nice) way that you will look forward to the trip / going there * Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway * Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter * The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math * Life is all about (having) perspective, and sometimes, it just takes experiencing that one life-altering moment (whether it's big or small) to make us realize, once again, what's truly important and what's not. The titanic sinking was a miracle to the lobster in the (ship's) kitchen. (see life-saving/changing ...) * Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
(It's) (much/far/way) better to remain silent and be thought a fool / moron, than to speak and remove all doubt * It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end * It is bad luck / unlucky to be superstitious * It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better
I always get / arrive late to / at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early * I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong * I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you * I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere * I intend to live forever. So far, so good * I used to be / think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so / quite / too sure * I'm glad I know sign language. It's pretty Handy * I'm thinking the unthinkable" - Iceberg with a lisp * I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember * I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
In order for a man to be truly evil, he must be a woman *
Eating ice cream and not exercising is great. The downside is your health isn't so good *
Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it * Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do * Living alone makes it harder to find someone to blame * Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times
* In Brooklyn, if you say, 'I'm dangerous', you'd better be (dangerous) * Laugh at your problems, everybody else does * If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments / think again * Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday (Allen) * If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining (amusing) * Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch (O. Wells) * In spite of / Despite (the high) cost of living, it remains a popular item / it's still popular / have you noticed how it remains so popular? * On the one hand, I broke my finger last week * I broke my finger last week, on the other hand I'm ok * Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you * Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too * Gravity always puts me down * Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love (einstein) * He who laughs last, thinks (the) slowest (Those who laugh last laugh best) * Laughing at our own mistakes can lengthen our own life (while). Laughing at someone else's can shorten it * if (you are) ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt * Think outside the box; it’s too late once you’re in it * My inferiority complex isn't as good as everyone else's * Smokers are the same as everyone else; just not as long * Never put off till tomorrow, what you can do the day after tomorrow * One of the most labor/work-saving techniques the world has seen is love at first sight (eye-opening / opener; life changing / changer) * The problem with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and putting things in it * The most beautiful words are not “I love you”, but “it's benign” * The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog (Mark Twain) * There is one thing worse than being alone: wishing you were * My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort * Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with * Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak * In Brooklyn, if you say, 'I'm dangerous', you'd better be (dangerous) * Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad * Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Why can't you starve in the desert? – Because of all the sand which is there.
f you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments / think again * Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday * If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining *
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3. I don't really like going out for dinner. It's way better to not have to wait for food... It's quite boring. @ My goal is not to become famous vs My goal is to not become famous (In the first, becoming famous is not a goal. In the second not becoming famous is the goal)
* * * * * * * * I had short hair for a while, but I ended up loving it * * I'm from Brooklyn. * If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining * Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen * Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak * Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with * Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway * On the other hand, you have different fingers * Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts * So, what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world! * The living are dead on holidays * The surest way to be alone is to get married * War does not determine who is right – only who is left * We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public * We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the pólice * Work is for people who don't know how to fish * Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never (get to) happen *
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not quite sure. * I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not (so) sure. * I used to be a banker, but I lost interest. * I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. * I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time * I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me. * Sleeping comes so naturally to me (that) I could do it with my eyes closed. * I was married by a judge; I should have asked for a jury. * Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. * I've been on a calendar, but never on time. * I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so/quite sure. * Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times * Stop, I can't bear these animal jokes. (a bear talking) * So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world! * To write with a broken pencil is pointless. * * My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it. * If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.* Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine. * If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor. * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. * Living alone makes it harder to find someone to blame. * Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too. * You can't blame gravity for falling in love. * Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. * I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction. * I'm glad I know sign language. It's pretty handy. (helpful, useful. 2 convenient, nearby) * I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). * Sure, winning isn't every thing; it's the only thing. * It's lonely at the top but you do eat better * It's lonely at the top but the view is quite nice
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* Did you guys hear the joke about the wall? It is hilarious, I am still trying to get over it * A diplomat / politician is a person / gentleman / fellow who can tell you to go to hell so that you look forward to the trip / and make you look forward to the trip* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened * Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand * Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's joy / peace.
* If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong… * * * * It's smarter to look at portions than to count calories * * * Me fail english? That's unpossible * Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose * * * Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason * * Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go * The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list * * * We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the pólice * You can't have everything. Where would you put it? * *********************************************************************************
I have many daft ideas: thankfully most of them never get to happen as my more conservative husband is a very useful filter! * Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number? *
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect" * Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up * Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience *
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* I used to be a banker, but I lost interest. * I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. * I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time * I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me. * Sleeping comes so naturally to me (that) I could do it with my eyes closed. * I was married by a judge; I should have asked for a jury. * Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. * I've been on a calendar, but never on time. * I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so/quite sure. * * Stop, I can't bear these animal jokes. (a bear talking) * To write with a broken pencil is pointless. * * My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it. * If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.* Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine. * If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor. * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. * Living alone makes it harder to find someone to blame. * Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too. * You can't blame gravity for falling in love. * Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. * I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction. * I'm glad I know sign language. It's pretty handy. (helpful, useful. 2 convenient, nearby) * I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). * Sure, winning isn't every thing; it's the only thing. * It's lonely at the top but you do eat better * It's lonely at the top but the view is quite nice
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FUNNY ONE-LINERS If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I had short hair for a while, but I ended up loving it.
I had short hair for a while, but I ended up loving it.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never (get to) happen.
I have many daft ideas: thankfully most of them never get to happen as my more conservative husband is a very useful filter!
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
All you need to remember is watching over her (means you did it in the past); All you need to remember is to watch over her (means you'll do it in future)
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Me fail english? That's unpossible.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Did you guys hear the joke about the wall? It is hilarious, I am still trying to get over it.
Exercising would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burned them.
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MAN & WOMEN
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
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Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
A man is like a tea bag. You can't tell how strong he is until you put him in hot water.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
I'm from Brooklyn. In Brooklyn, if you say, 'I'm dangerous', you'd better be dangerous.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not quite sure. * I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not (so) sure. * I used to be a banker, but I lost interest. * I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. * I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time * I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me. * Sleeping comes so naturally to me (that) I could do it with my eyes closed. * I was married by a judge; Ishould have asked for a jury. * Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. * I've been on a calendar, but never on time. * I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so/quite sure. * Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times * Stop, I can't bear these animal jokes. (a bear talking) * So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world! * To write with a broken pencil is pointless. * * My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seemslikely I'll be stuck with it. * If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.* Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine. * If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor. * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. * Living alone makes it harder to find someone to blame. * Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too. * You can't blame gravity for falling in love. * Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. * I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction. * I'm glad I know sign language. It's pretty handy. (helpful, useful. 2 convenient, nearby) * Ionce heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). * Sure, winning isn't every thing; it's the only thing. * It's lonely at the top but you do eat better * It's lonely at the top but the view is quite nice
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